At my heaviest, I was 260 pounds. I'm a little embarrassed to even say that on here, but it's so far behind me now that I owe it to myself to put it out there. I've come such a long way.
To be honest, I'm not even sure that this picture is me at my heaviest. I avoided taking pictures like the plague because I hated the way I looked, and most importantly, the way I felt.
While I was always heavy throughout my life, my weight didn't really reach a scary place until I was around 21-22 years old. I was in an incredibly unhappy place in my life. I hated my job in retail, I was in a very unhappy relationship that I felt stuck in, and I had pushed all of my friends away. Then, in March of 2011 I lost my father.
I won't go into details about our relationship (I'll save that for another blog post) but I can say that it was incredibly tumultuous and traumatizing. Watching my Father die was about as life changing as it could possibly get. As I watched the life leave his body, I felt the weight of the pain and heartbreak leave my own. I truly felt that his gift to me in his passing was to release me from my emotional chains. I can never, ever describe in words what that felt like.
My father's only and final gift to me was my freedom. And that for me meant letting go of the weight that I hid behind like a shield.
So after his passing I decided to turn my life completely around. I joined the local gym and got a trainer. I educated myself on how to eat better, and I finally gathered the courage to get out of my unhappy relationship. In one year I lost 90 pounds. To say that I was mentally and physically ready for a change was an understatement. Once I reached 170 pounds, I could not believe it was me looking back in the mirror.
By February of this year we had both put on extra pounds to the tune of double digits. When we bought our first house together, we took a picture in front to commemorate it. It wasn't until I saw how big we were in that photo that I realized that I was dangerously close to getting back to where I started two years prior.
So about five months ago Bradley joined a "Biggest Loser" type competition with his co-workers. He inspired me with his hard work and dedication partnered with his commitment to win this challenge. It lasted three months, and in that time he ended up losing a total of 40 pounds and looked and felt amazing.
I lost a total of 20 pounds during that time and really felt like i was finally getting back on track as well. My clothes fit better, and I had more energy and stamina that I had had in quite a while.
So, the past month has been a struggle. Bradley has put back on ten pounds and I'm up five since coming back from Houston. I feel like a failure. I wish to God I could keep my shit together and quit going back and forth. I wish it wasn't such a fight to stay thin. I wish I truly felt worthy inside of a beautiful body.
With all of that being said, (which I know was a lot, but I needed to put all of this out into the universe), I am trying to climb back into the saddle. I know that there will never come a day where I am skinny and I don't have to work both mentally and physically for it. I know that this will always be a battle that I have to fight. But I am so grateful to have Bradley by my side for support and understanding.
We are entering yet another journey to change our bodies and minds. I really needed to talk about this here because I want to feel like I am accountable to other people besides just him. Bradley and I can be our biggest supporters or our worst influences. I need an outlet to express these things and try to stay strong and on track for the both of us. There is no part of me that thinks this is going to be a breeze, and after reading so many different blogs about other women's journeys, I know it always gets harder before it gets easier. But I can honestly say I am so looking forward to getting back up and trying again.