8.13.2013

Diary of a Chubby Girl

So, in case you didn't notice by my pictures, I'm not exactly a fit & trim kind of gal. In fact, part of my inspiration for starting a blog was to meet people and read their stories on weight loss and fitness. The majority of my friends are short and skinny. They've never been overweight and can't relate in the least bit to the struggle I've experienced my entire life. I need friends who can give my guidance and support in my continuing journey.

At my heaviest, I was 260 pounds. I'm a little embarrassed to even say that on here, but it's so far behind me now that I owe it to myself to put it out there. I've come such a long way.
To be honest, I'm not even sure that this picture is me at my heaviest. I avoided taking pictures like the plague because I hated the way I looked, and most importantly, the way I felt. 

While I was always heavy throughout my life, my weight didn't really reach a scary place until I was around 21-22 years old. I was in an incredibly unhappy place in my life. I hated my job in retail, I was in a very unhappy relationship that I felt stuck in, and I had pushed all of my friends away. Then, in March of 2011 I lost my father.

I won't go into details about our relationship (I'll save that for another blog post) but I can say that it was incredibly tumultuous and traumatizing. Watching my Father die was about as life changing as it could possibly get. As I watched the life leave his body, I felt the weight of the pain and heartbreak leave my own. I truly felt that his gift to me in his passing was to release me from my emotional chains. I can never, ever describe in words what that felt like. 

My father's only and final gift to me was my freedom. And that for me meant letting go of the weight that I hid behind like a shield.

So after his passing I decided to turn my life completely around. I joined the local gym and got a trainer. I educated myself on how to eat better, and I finally gathered the courage to get out of my unhappy relationship. In one year I lost 90 pounds. To say that I was mentally and physically ready for a change was an understatement. Once I reached 170 pounds, I could not believe it was me looking back in the mirror.
My life just seemed to fall into place. In December of 2011 I met the man who was to be the love of my life and my future husband. I could not have been happier or more proud of just how far I had come. I truly felt like I had it all. A few months into our relationship I became a little too preoccupied with being young and in love. I started to spend less time at the gym and more time making big fat Pinterest-inspired meals for myself and Bradley. I drank soda, beer, and ate dessert to my heart's content. Being in love took precedence over maintaining my acquired healthy lifestyle and new body. Unfortunately, the both of us started to pack on the pounds.

By February of this year we had both put on extra pounds to the tune of double digits. When we bought our first house together, we took a picture in front to commemorate it. It wasn't until I saw how big we were in that photo that I realized that I was dangerously close to getting back to where I started two years prior.

So about five months ago Bradley joined a "Biggest Loser" type competition with his co-workers. He inspired me with his hard work and dedication partnered with his commitment to win this challenge. It lasted three months, and in that time he ended up losing a total of 40 pounds and looked and felt amazing.

I lost a total of 20 pounds during that time and really felt like i was finally getting back on track as well. My clothes fit better, and I had more energy and stamina that I had had in quite a while.
I wish I could say that the rest of this story has a happy ending. But I'd be lying. That's the thing about being a "fat girl." Whether you're fat or skinny on the outside, there will always be a part of you that stays a fat girl on the inside. And every once in a while she wants to come out and eat until she can't eat no mo'.

So, the past month has been a struggle. Bradley has put back on ten pounds and I'm up five since coming back from Houston. I feel like a failure. I wish to God I could keep my shit together and quit going back and forth. I wish it wasn't such a fight to stay thin. I wish I truly felt worthy inside of a beautiful body.

With all of that being said, (which I know was a lot, but I needed to put all of this out into the universe), I am trying to climb back into the saddle. I know that there will never come a day where I am skinny and I don't have to work both mentally and physically for it. I know that this will always be a battle that I have to fight. But I am so grateful to have Bradley by my side for support and understanding.

We are entering yet another journey to change our bodies and minds. I really needed to talk about this here because I want to feel like I am accountable to other people besides just him. Bradley and I can be our biggest supporters or our worst influences. I need an outlet to express these things and try to stay strong and on track for the both of us. There is no part of me that thinks this is going to be a breeze, and after reading so many different blogs about other women's journeys, I know it always gets harder before it gets easier. But I can honestly say I am so looking forward to getting back up and trying again.


10 comments:

  1. Kayla... You don't even have a stomach anymore!! You and Butkus look amazing. Don't be so hard on yourself.... it's a constant battle going back and forth but at least you can acknowledge that you fell off the wagon and you are getting back on!! :)

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  2. Hi there! I found your blog while trolling the comments on Holly's blog (which is how I find the majority of the blogs I follow) and as I was reading this, I was nodding the whole time. I so identify with you! I've struggled with my weight ever since puberty and I also lost my father, although that caused me to gain weight instead of lose it. :-/ And I'm struggling now to get back to losing weight--it became so much harder the closer to goal I got! And then I saw the picture of your husband and realized that you're Holly's sister-in-law! I remember reading about your husband's weight-loss on her blog; my dad was a type 1 diabetic, so I really took note of his story. I seem to remember him describing you in very glowing terms. :) You both have done such a good job with your weight loss--I'm very glad to have found your blog!

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  3. Kayla, every bit of this was all too familiar to me! From the not having a picture of you at your heaviest, to there always being a part of you that is the "fat girl" on the inside. You already have an inspirational story and I look forward to watching the rest!

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  4. I realize I'm late to the party but I'm on my weight loss journey too!! Check out my blog amcmullinfitness.blogspot. If you're interested in what I'm doing let me know and we can be accountability partners together!! Not sure where you're located but we are having a small meet up in STL in October if you're anywhere close. Its just us girls on a fitness mission!

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  5. You look amazing!! I want to know how you lost 90lbs in a year. I am just getting ready to wean my baby and I am ready to hit it hard in the weightloss department and could use motivation!! Any tips or ideas would help!!

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  6. Just found your blog.... Love it ill be following along.... I'm 21/2 weeks from delivering a baby and I know exactly what u mean about the fight! Ready to get my fight back on! We should do a diet bet together.... Heard of it? We could get other bloggers to join us!

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  7. Great job on the weightloss!! You both look awesome!! We went through the same thing here, got happy and fat!! Now after two kids I'm fatter and slowly getting rid of it! It's hard work, but so motivating to fit into old, smaller clothes!

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  8. Welcome to the blog world! I am trying to lose as well...and I love my bulldog, she is my world...but, I will probably be single forever and just turn into a batshit crazy bulldog momma.

    Good luck with the weight loss! I will be here to comment, but I don't blog...I do have instagram and have it all bulldogged out :D

    Dotsie

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