9.17.2013

Signs

So I know I've mentioned before that my Father passed away two and a half years ago and that I didn't have the best relationship with him. I'm not quite ready to tell the whole story because it's not a place I like to dwell. He was not a good man. He was not a good Father. By a lot of people's standards, he wasn't even a good person. But of all the things he wasn't, he was still my Father and the only one I was given in this life.

When I was 6 years old, my Father got into a motorcycle accident with his best friend Jeff. Jeff passed away at the scene, in the middle of the road, early in the morning. My Father died twice on the way to the hospital, and was life-flighted to a nearby hospital where he was not expected to live. This day changed not only who I was as a person, but how I was to know my Father, and the direction my life would take.

This was one of those days that, as they say, will forever live in infamy. At least for me.

But I'll get more into that story later, and I'll share all of it. I really do plan to go there someday, but today is not that day.

So, ever since my Father passed away he has sent me signs. And before you go and dismiss me and think that I'm crazy, please hear me out. This is very much real. I can feel him. Not in my head either. I can sometimes physically feel his presence beside me. You will never understand it until it happens to you.

I could write an entire post on the signs and ways my Father has visited me, but I need to share this one in particular because it happened just the other day. See, my Father and I have this connection with birds. It goes really deep, and it's all connected in several ways. I know, could I be any more vague?

The song "Freebird" is very closely connected to my Father, and when I was a child he would always make me sing "Wind Beneath My Wings" to him. The day he died, the hospital Chaplain was in his room praying with him when she heard a cooing at the window. She turned to find an all-white Dove perched on the ledge staring straight into his room. She said she'd never in all her years seen that happen before.

And then there's all the bird's he's sent me. But that's for another day.

So this particular time, two Friday's ago to be exact, from the second I opened my eyes that morning I had my Father on my mind. It's not uncommon for me to think of him, I do quite often. But this day just felt different. So I got ready for the day and I was standing at my dining room table getting my purse when I glanced up and locked eyes with a picture I have of him on a shelf. It just felt like he was there and I was looking right at him. It always makes me happy to feel that way, especially since I could never say that when he was alive.

I walked out into my driveway to leave for work and as I took the first step,  this entire flock of birds took off from the patch of grass between our driveway and the neighbor's. They flew in a perfect line towards the sun. I couldn't help but grin, because I knew it was him. So when I got in the car I turned on my "Dad" playlist on my iPod and listened to Lynyrd Skynyrd, Nazareth, and AC/DC the whole way to work. His favorite songs of course.

My day wasn't any different from the rest, answering calls, taking care of appointments, etc etc. This particular day a man named Jeff kept calling. He would seriously call just about every hour. I thought, take a break Jeff, we'll get back to you when we can bro. I didn't think anything else of it.

At around 10 'til noon I got a phone call from this girl who needed to speak with someone in our office. As is protocol to do, I had to look her up in the system first, so I asked her her name. When she told me what it was, my heart sank into my stomach. And I mean that literally, it felt like my heart just plopped right onto my gut and it felt about as heavy as a brick.

She was the daughter of one of my Father's old best friends. My Dad, her Dad, and Jeff, the man who died in the motorcycle accident were inseparable. I had to put her on hold so that I could get my shit together for a minute. It freaked me out big time. So when I got back on the call I took her name down and went to write down the date and that's when I realized what was really going on.

The date was September 6th, 2013. Twenty years ago to the day that my Father got into his motorcycle accident. The one that killed him twice. The one that killed his best friend permanently. The one that altered the course of my life forever. The day that lived in infamy.

It all made sense why my Father was with me from the start. I woke up at 6:20 that morning, which was approximately around the time that the accident occurred. He followed me throughout my day giving me little signs, trying to remind me. The birds, the Jeff guy calling all day. All of it. To me, it was him. I can't be convinced otherwise.

I just about had a panic attack once I put all of the pieces together. Not because I was scared, or because I needed any more convincing that my Father visits me and sends me signs. But because every once in a while it will still hit me like a ton of bricks. For most people, their Dad's will call them or they will see them regularly. I never had that in my life. So to be visited by your deceased Father and have him send you signs can still be a little freaky. Very much welcome, but still freaky.

This has been on my mind a lot the past few days. I wanted to write about it sooner, but it's just something that is hard to put into words. As if you all didn't think I was bat-shit crazy to begin with, now you know that I believe in signs from the dead. I'm a mixed bag for sure.

Whether or not you believe all of this, or even if it's happened to you, you have to understand that for me, this is all a part of the process. Grieving never ends. I still cry like a baby for my Father and I probably always will. Not because I love him for the shitty things he did, or because I revere him as this great mythical man who was so admirable. But because he was my Father, and that just is what it is. I can love him now that he's gone. I can forgive him for everything. Because I choose to. I want to be at peace. And I know that he's at peace now, so we both deserve to be okay with the past. We're never going to change it.

It's like my Mom used to always tell me as a kid "You don't have to love him for what he does, just love him for who he is."

He was my Father. He was not perfect. And he's no longer alive to make it right. So for me, these signs are his way of reminding me that we're both free as birds now. And that it's okay to love him.

Because it really is. 

19 comments:

  1. *Big hugs* I'm so happy to hear that you have peace with your father and y'all's past. That's huge. I believe that God orchestrates things to brighten our day and bring a smile to our face. I can just imagine how sweet it was to see all those signs that morning - the picture, the birds, the songs. It touches my heart that you have found a peace and happiness with your father now that was difficult to have while he was alive. Your immense maturity and abilty to forgive your father for not being the greatest person says so much about you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have had similar things happen to me. I just know that Kelsey is still with me. She does send me signs and it makes me smile, not afraid. I love this post and I know how hard it must have been to put this in words. I actually haven't told anyone about my signs because I don't think they'd understand.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You may be bat-sh- crazy but having that big a heart says something. Not all of us can look past the faults and love the person despite it all.

    ReplyDelete
  4. What an amazing post, thanks for sharing. I absolutely get what you are talking about here! When I was pregnant with my daughter I had a VERY real dream about my husband's dad who passed away 8 years ago. He basically told me that he couldn't stay long and just wanted me to tell everyone that he is okay now and happy in heaven. I gave him a hug and then he said he had to leave. It was SO real. And still makes me teary eyed to think about it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I just found your blog yesterday through Veronica's page, and wow, what a post to read... I can't wait to read more about your entire story. What a touching post.

    ReplyDelete
  6. And I am full on crying. But you're still crazy. And I am crazy too... because every holiday I can hear Chris's grandma Betty gossiping about the family in the room. And it makes me happy. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow. This is just beautiful and it gave me chills. I'm so jealous you get signs from your dad--I haven't received any from mine, though I think about him a lot. I suppose I don't have much to move on from (other than missing him), so it makes sense. I'm glad that you're able to be at peace with your father and that you have those signs to help you along!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Big hugs to you and great post.

    ReplyDelete
  9. First let me just say that I am sorry :(

    Second, I totally get what you are saying. My dad will have been gone five years in October. I was his "precious". He passed away between 3:30 - 4:30 am the morning he died. At the time my daughter was about 10 weeks old. She had been sleeping from 10-6 for close to four weeks. The night he passed away she woke up screaming at 3:30 am. My mom called me at 5:00 am and told me that my dad was gone.

    We are big time Cardinals fans. And I swear to Jesus that on every holiday and major event in my family I see a Cardinal flying in the sky. I know that is my dad saying that he is still with us.

    Embrace those signs!!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am sitting at my desk bawling, I truly believe that we are sent signs. In whatever form they maybe!! Thinking of you today

    ReplyDelete
  11. Literally goose bumps. I too, fully, believe you can feel the presence of those who are not with us. I loved this post and an insight into you and your father. Hugs and love my sweet Kayla layla...

    ReplyDelete
  12. We are sent signs for a reason...in no way are you bat-shit crazy....your post gave me goose bumps and will make me more aware of the signs I am sent from my loved ones that are no longer here. Embrace the signs and keep them close to your heart!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thanks for sharing, Kayla. I lost my Dad in 2011, and I frequently feel his presence and realize he's sending signs to me in my daily life. Your post gave me a reason to think about signs my own Dad sends me.
    Chin up, Chick-a-dee! You are loved!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Kayla this is an absolutely beautiful post. You're not bat shit crazy at all... I'm so glad you have some peace now and find comfort in his signs for you! <3

    ReplyDelete
  15. wow Kayla...it seems that your Dad is holding on to your heart. Good for you for letting him. :) Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Your post gave me chills :)So beautiful, I'm glad that you are at peace.

    Jen
    Jen.amileamemory@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  17. This post gave me chills!! Sounds like your Dad is always with you :)

    Katie

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us. I truly believe that writing it out and sending it into the universe helps with a lot of things, too.

    ReplyDelete