9.16.2013

What I Want to be When I Grow Up

So I'm pretty much an idealist by my own admission. I like to think of things as completely perfect. Until they aren't anymore and then I have a meltdown of epic proportions and I hate the world.

But I'm a female, so I know I'm not the only one who does this.

As a child I would fantasize about being famous. I'm not talking like, this one time when I was 10, I want to be famous. I'm talking like, just yesterday I was driving in my car singing along to Katy Perry and thinking about how much better the world would be if I was a star.

Or maybe that was this morning, I can't keep my days straight.

Anyways, I was for sure that I was going to be a famous singer. I would sit at home and play Reba McEntire and Fleetwood Mac albums on repeat and practice for my first audition. I would write these really stupid songs about love that made no sense because I was 8 and what the hell did I know about love? My infatuation with Uncle Jesse not included.

I would hate on LeAnn Rimes big time because she stole my child star thunder. I deserved to win a Grammy for 'Blue' and she deserved to grow up to be a home-wrecker. She still became a home-wrecker but I still haven't won a damn Grammy.

Seriously though, I for real wanted to be a singer. Except I never did anything about it. I was in the choir in middle school but everyone got to be in it, and I never had the balls to go out for a solo. In high school I was too much of a chicken shit to audition for the show choir, and I hated the show choir kids because they didn't like beer as much as I did. I even moved to NYC my Freshman year of College and never one time pursued any type of singing anything.

The thing is, while I was obsessed with singing and being a big star, no one had any idea. No one even knew I could sing. I couldn't bring myself to sing in front of anyone, not even my friends in the car. I still don't understand why I was so closed off about it, especially when I was so passionate about it.

I'm not as closed off about singing anymore. I will sing in front of people and annoy Bradley in the car to my heart's desire. I don't know if I ever was any good, or if I am any good still. I really don't care. I think my problem was that I held it so close to my heart because it meant so much to me, and then I grew up and never had a chance to pursue anything. It is probably my biggest regret as an adolescent that I never even gave it a try. Okay, that and never having a boyfriend in high school. Those are my two biggest adolescent regrets.

If I had the confidence then that I have now, maybe I could have made the show choir and sung solos and felt like Mariah Carey. I guess I'll never know. Looking back, I was not nearly as confident in anything, at least not like I thought I was at the time. But now that I'm all old and stuff, I realize that letting the fear hold me back only hurt me, not anybody else. I wasn't proving anything to anyone by not going for it. Instead of gracing the world with my immeasurable talents, I was driving around in my Dodge Neon holding solo concerts for no one

The lesson I learned from not ever being what I really wanted to be when I grew up is that, if you really want something, like really truly want something, you'll do whatever it takes to have it. I wanted to eat my weight in McDonald's and be 210 pounds, and so I was. I never really wanted to be a famous singer, at least not bad enough to do anything about it.

So the next time you see a chubby brunette girl cracking jokes to hide behind the laughs, think about who she might really be on the inside. What she lays in bed and thinks about at night. Who she wishes she really was. And let her know that she can be anything she wants to be, if she wants it bad enough.


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